I have a lot of thoughts going on in my mind and I feel like I need to ‘declutter’. I find that making dua and writing helps me to do that. Plus some good advice from those who are sincere and know me very well.
Okay, so I have seriously felt like I’ve been drowning. This is not as a result of anyone or anything, but its because of me and the expectations I put on myself. For those of you who have been following this blog for a long time, you will know that I live and breathe by routine and organisation. Naturally that is going to fly out of the window when change (like a new baby) arrives. I am not complaining about having a new baby – no no. My issue is with myself. And things have got to change otherwise I am heading for depression!
I just feel that I put too much pressure on myself and unintentionally do that to my children, particularly R. I want the best for my children like most mothers. But if I don’t change my ways, I won’t achieve anything near to what I want for them.
Yesterday, I met up with a very very close friend – she is the sister who called me to Islam almost 11 years ago. May Allah (Swt) bless her immensely and reward her abundantly. Ameen. She knows me better than anyone I know and she gave me some really good advice. As our girls who are 5 days apart in age ran around a beautiful inner city park, she spoke to me about reliance on Allah. In the days that she knew me as a non-muslim she always thought I was a bit OTT (over the top) with the whole organistion thing and in some ways it has got better and in others it has become worse. She advised me that the tarbiyah and the guidance of our children are not as a result of what we do, but only lies with Allah (Swt). All we can do is try our best. We are not in control of anything, not even our children. How true she is!
Another dear sister got in touch with me recently after a few years of no contact. Herself and her husband were very active in the UK’ years ago. They lived abroad, studied the deen, were very protective over their children, gave them a good Islamic upbringing etc. A few years ago, they divorced after many years together. Unfortunately, their eldest daughter is not wearing hijab any more. The sister told me that she would never have thought that her daughter would end up like this. And it just goes to show that the best thing we can do for our kids is to make a lot of dua that Allah continues to guide them and keep them on the siraat al mustaqeem.
I think for someone like me who likes to be ‘in control’, I have to accept that I am not in control. You see, it is easy to say that we have tawakkulAllah. But where is the proof in our lives? I am not suggesting that every sister who is ultra organised has a problem with reliance upon Allah. No, not at all. But when there is a lack of balance in anything in our life, we need to ask ourselves why.
Right now, I am seriously thinking about how I speak to my kids, how I discipline them, how I spend time with them, how I educate them, my expectations of them and whether I need to have such expectations.
Life continues to change, but what I do not want is for years and years to pass and I have not changed. I want to enjoy my children and enjoy life without the internal pressure/stress and anxiety surrounding those things just because I need to stick to a routine and check something off on a checklist. I am my worse own enemy and it is going to stop inshaAllah.
A couple of days ago, I seriously seriously seriously contemplated putting my DD in school. I was very close to calling a school I would put her in. But then, I realised by talking to another dear sis who knows me so very well that the problem is not Home Ed – it is me! If I were to change the way I do things and the expectations I put on myself and my kids, home ed would be even better than what it is, life would be better than what it is. Sweeter. And at the moment, I feel many things that could taste very sweet are tasting sour because of this whole routine/organisational ‘thing’!
I have been absorbing the comments of a few lovely home edding sisters on the IHSAN forum in response to a post I wrote. And they are right in that home ed should not be something separate from ordinary life. If it is viewed in this way, then it is another thing that needs to be ‘checked’ off – and that is where the stress comes in. If, however, home ed is viewed as a part of life itself then a completely different experience unfolds.
Just as I need to change my way of viewing family life and all that routine palava, so too do I need to change the way I see home ed. Even though I was close to giving up, I don’t think I ever will (inshaAllah) as I feel so strongly that it is the RIGHT way for my family. Something internal has to change and subhanaAllah, I feel that it is slowly beginning to do so. Home Education is just that – it is education at home and home/family is a 24 hour thing, isn’t it? So, enough of seeing it as something separate and here is to a new perception, a new change and a new beginning…inshaAllah.