A very sweet sister sent me a lovely email after reading my ‘Honest Day’ blog post. You don’t have to have kids or be shouting at your kids to read and benefit from her short message. But, if like me you do shout at your husband, or your sister/brother, or indeed your kids then her points really are going to leave you thinking. By Allah, by the time I finished reading her email I was fighting back the tears…
Hope you will benefit inshaAllah.

Here is a part of her email:

Sister, I read about you shouting at your children, as I do and everyone I know do. You said you need to work on your anger management.

I want to share something with you. Last month I was reading about abusive men. I read a few books written by non-muslims just to understand what pushes a man to be so angry all the time. And then I looked to Islam to see how to cure this problem. What I found opened my eyes as to the reasons why I shout too. So this is what I want to share with you. InshaAllah.
In short, they say abusive men are angry not because they have anger issues but because they look down on their wives and kids. The books said, in the minds of these men, women and children are of lesser status than them so they don’t feel obliged to treat them well. Another issue is that men feel entitled to certain treatment and rights, such as the food to be always cooked, a clean house, their clothes always clean and ironed and the wife always smiling and understanding. But they don’t feel obliged to offer almost anything in return because they believe since their wives are of lesser status they don’t need to put any effort into the relationship. Obviously not all men hold these beliefs but a big amount of Muslim men do. I have been discussing the issue with my husband from an Islamic point of view and talked to him how beliefs are passed from a father to a son. Sometimes Muslim men don’t realise that they hold such beliefs at all and that they contradict Islam. This is a very short explanation. Now, what concerns me is that from Islam we women should take care of the house, the kids and when we add home education we end up with a long list of demands which can put a lot of pressure on us. So we may say that this is the only reason why we shout at the kids. We are under stress and we lash out on them from time to time because of this. But I asked myself, do I shout at sisters if they annoy me? I don’t. Do I shout at my mum if I am stressed? I don’t. So why can I restrain myself with other people but I end up shouting at my kids. The answer to this is very disturbing to me. I realised I give myself permission to shout at my kids because there will be no consequences, or at least no immediate consequences. If I shout at other people there will be immediate consequences. When I realised this I realised that my anger isn’t out of control. That I give myself permission to shout and I give myself permission who I should shout at. It was a scary discovery. Then I delved deeper and asked myself if I feel I can shout at my kids because they are of a lesser status. Or do I feel they are? I was thinking, if I remember that they are muslims and as such have the same status as me, (even if they are small) and I don’t see immediate bad consequences for my actions, Allah will certainly hold me to account for how I treated them. Shouting stresses them, sometimes scares them, it teaches them nothing but that if you want to impose your will you shout it out, it teaches them to shout and be out of control, it teaches them to act immature. It teaches them that it is okay to overpower those weaker than us. Hmmm. This is when I realised I need to stop and that I will stop only if I recognise the fact that they have equal status to me in Islam and that they have been given to me as amaanah (a trust): to take care of them and make them worshippers of Allah.

This is a very very short part of what I realised. But I wanted to share it with you. Maybe you will disagree. Maybe your reasons are different. I am not saying you have the same issues like me. I just thought that maybe sharing my thoughts can be beneficial inshaAllah.


46 responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaykum dear sister, jzk for shearing this , masha Allah indeed he gave me something to think about….

    What i realize is that most of the time i do shout at my son, because i’m having a bad day, not just because is doing somenthing i don’t like…is so wrong but unfourtnatly they are the one who are always around us….

    May Allah help us


      • ws wr wd dear umm raiyaan, indeed long time….Alhamdulillah we are fine, living in Algeria….masha Allah i really enjoy reading you and do some of you activity with my son…

        May Allah reward you


        umm amir

  2. Oh boy this is so true. And I think that’s why we feel so awful after having shouted at our kid(s): we can’t understand why we lost it when we don’t lose it with the school teacher, the lady at the bank or our mother and THAT makes us feel really bad.
    I never really thought of it that way, I’m sure glad I checked your blog today (jezakalah to the sister you sent the mail in the first place, a real eye opener).

  3. Maasha’Allaah!!! This really hit home for me too. Insha’Allaah, with your permission, I would like to know if I can repost this…I believe that soooo many people I know can benefit from this as I have…

    Jazaakillaahu khayr. May Allaah reward this sister remendously for her reminder…

  4. JazakAllah for sharing. The truth is sometimes painful to hear and that e-mail hit a nerve. It’s true how many of us truly feel better after we have shouted/screamed at our children? more often we are racked with guilt and filled with disappointment in our-selves. Ya Allah we beseech You! Rectify our condition and grant us Sabarun Jameel. Ameen

  5. SubhanAllaah that really got me thinking. May Allaah reward you and the sister who sent you the email for such a thought provoking message, aameen.

  6. It is indeed an eye opener. Patience patience patience, how best would it be to deal with kids in circumstances that really really annoy you ? Well I have read so many articles but still to find something constructive! Insha Allaah we need to fear Allaah at all times. If sisters do have good naseehah pertaining to dealing with kids please share Insha Allaah.

  7. Salamalaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakaatuh
    Hope all’s well with u.
    subhanAllah sister, your day sounds very similar to my day.. including the shouting, I must admit.

    I just heard another scholar say that is it not true that for a parent, and especially for a homeeducating parent, children are a source of ajr? So how would we deal with some1 who is a source of increasing our ajr?
    Shouting, yelling, criticising, etc? Or some other way?

    SubhanAllah, that really woke me up. We need to be grateful to Allah and after that to our children for giving us this opportunity. SHe also said that the key to islaah of the children is the islaah of the parents… Once we weed out our negative qualities, the children will too InshAllah..

    Ya Allah, be pleased with us and our children.. Ameen.

  8. Assalamu alaykum,

    Anger according to psychologists is not something that can just disappear. They say it should be either released or it stays bottled in. When it is botlled in, it may get released in inappropriate situations. Therefore what they advice is, for the anger to be released safely, it should be released in a controlled environment, through exercise, other physical efforts, crying, writing a letter to the person we are angry with without giving it to him, and describing how we exactly feel, I will add crying in salah for Allah alone can help us out, do dhikr, for Allah says that in the remembrance of Allah the hearts find rest, making dua, not going to sleep before we solved whatever problem we may have with people, forgive, etc.

    When the anger is released in an environment in which it will harm no one, then it will be easier not to shout at the kids. It is better to do regular activities which release tension and anger so we will be calm and in peace. Inshaallah.

    May Allah help us all…Amin.

  9. aww sister the ? which im going to ask is irrelevant here i know but sometimes icant remember where i posted it and then its like looking for a needle in a haystack!
    where can i aquire material for the mep programme,please can u kindly let me know jk
    may allah reward you for ur time and effort

  10. it is so true.i think,i am shouting at my children,because i am frustrated in my marriage.i got that husband you just described and it is so hard sometimes to stay patient.the worst thing is however ,in what ways your children are effected.shouting is so destroying,mayAllah (swt) forgive us and give us more patience,i.A.

  11. Subhanallah!!!!! sisters we’re all spot on with our comments and we beseech SWT to grant us all the Taofeek,Hidayyah,Hikmah to attain excellence in our character and bestow upon us the strength,fortitude to continue to overcome the error of our ways and above all may HE grant us HIS pardon,forgiveness & Rahmah to enable us achieve the best of both worlds..amin!

    Jazakumlahu khayr to you All for sharing.. what a ponderous message indeed!!!

  12. This is a really, really, really beautiful post. I am so proud of this sister for taking the time to work on herself and figure this out. Thank you so much for posting this. 

    These principles are exactly what are talked about in ScreamFree Parenting. However from an Islamic perspective what this sister says about the status of the child and being held accountable by Allaah was a beautiful addition. Also, her understanding of the role of consequences in raising of children is so important. We are always teaching them that there are consequences to their actions yet they must sense hypocrisy in our behavior because we act in a way that is different than what we are preaching. That is, we behave as if we can do what we wish to them based on our anxiety in the moment and lack of self-control, and there are no consequences for our own behavior. Quite a contradiction. It must be very confusing for them, and if we confuse them with this type of behavior how can they learn to trust us?

    I would recommend the book, “ScreamFree Parenting” by Hal Runkel to anyone who has been touched by this post or can relate to what our sister is saying, be it a mother or a father. Also I must say, I think what she says also applies to other relationships, especially familial.

    Is there anyway to respond directly to this sister?


    Suehila Smith, MD
    Screamfree Certified Leader

    ScreamFree Parenting
    …..Because Every Child Deserves a Peaceful Home.

    • Jzk for your comment sister. Well, the sister reads this blog so perhaps she will see this message inshaAllah and respond. If she doesn’t in the next few days, I can inshaAllah ask her. Just please remind me as I seem to forget a lot at the moment! lol

  13. Salaam sister, May Allah (swt) reward you for all your work, Alhamdulillah many sisters have benefiited including myself. Love Adeeba xxx

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