Me first!


Something happened a few weeks ago. A sister informed me a few sisters had been saying things about me. I was angry and both hurt at the same time. And for a while, all I could feel was betrayal and just deep hurt. But this event has actually transformed into goodness. And you’ll see why I’ve called this post ‘Me first!’ 🙂

Words have such meaning – they can make someone fall in love, they can make an entire people change, they can also cut very deep. As women, we talk a lot – especially when we are in the gathering of other sisters. And more than often, sadly, conversation turns into envy, jealousy, backbiting and gossip. I’m not free of this – astaghfiruAllah, I’ve engaged in it myself either by listening or saying it myself. But I really am sick of it. And I guess the real desire to really ensure that I don’t backbite either willingly, unwillingly, by listening to it and not correcting the person came after I heard it had been done to me by sisters I was fond of and had a ‘laugh’ with.

I wondered how my so-called ‘sisters’ who I see regularly could do such a thing. But then it dawned on me that if sisters do it to other sisters in front of me or with me, then what makes me think that they wouldn’t do it to me when I’m not there. And then I switched it around. What gives me the right to talk about a sister too even if I don’t mention her name! My gosh, the amount of times I’ve been hurt by something and have confided in a sister and talked about the incident but didn’t mention a sister’s name.  I’ve seen in the community that there seems to be a notion that as long as the name is not mentioned, its okay to have a good ‘chin-wag’. But this is wrong and is so far from piety.

So, actually goodness came from this as my hurt and anger changed in that I began to look at myself. I want jannah so badly. I want Allah to love me and to be pleased with me and I feel like such an idiot that all of that could be lost because of something that is the first thing to decompose after we die (the tongue)! What a waste.

And so, the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided to choose my company wisely. Not every sister is good for you – even if they do make you laugh and feel happy. I’ve also decided to try and keep my trap shut unless there is something beneficial to say. And if I hear any other sister talk about another sister when she is not present either by mentioning her name or not, I will stand up and correct them and couldn’t care less if I lose that sister’s friendship. Because I am certainly not going to lose my akhirah for that for afterall the backbiter is not just the one that says it but the one that hears it! 

Since I decided to do focus on rectifying this,  alhamdulillah no intentional backbiting so far (either in listening to it from others or engaging in it myself) because of choosing company carefully and watching myself.

And all of this made me think about my daughter. She will become a woman one day and I really don’t want her to have one of these bad characteristics. I know 2 sisters who I have never heard speak ill of ANYONE! And I admire them so much mashaAllah – their faith is so strong mashaAllah – may Allah preserve them. Ameen. So, I guess if I want my children to have good characters I have to work on me first. I’ve thought about this so many times before but for some reason this time has really hit me! SubhanAllah.

Next, I need to work on the shouting inshaAllah – probably my worst characteristic especially with my kids – but when you really want to change something about yourself – it is possible as long as you have the help of Allah.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Home ed is not just about academics, its about character and instilling good characteristics in your children. Being a good Muslim isn’t just about helping others – whats the point if your own children see your bad characteristics and take them to be normal behaviour. How sad..

May Allah help us all to develop our characters and help our children to have good characters. Ameen.


6 responses »

  1. Salaam Sis,
    May Allah make things easy for you Ameen.
    I’ve had the same thing happen in the past, so I understand. InshaAllah we all learn from our mistakes and grow stronger in the deem. After all, we are the teachers of the future of the Ummah. And you’re right about our little girls growing up – they are watching us and learning how to be.

  2. Jazakillahul khair for this reminder sis..and you’re absolutely right, sometimes it’s the ‘unspoken’ words that can have deeper effect. We’ve all been there,somehow shaitan deceives us into thinking it’s OK so long as we’re not saying the name of so and so,but we cannot fool Allah!
    Yes we should MOST definitely choose our CLOSE friends wisely,but i’ve found in the past, some sisters get so hurt they leave the community altogether,then it’s the hijab etc etc.which is ultimately what shaitan wants.May Allah protect us!
    I can’t remember the hadeeth,but it always help remembering that the person who remains with the people, even when they get hurt, is better than being alone…of course we all need space from time to time though.

    May Allah protect us all! The only thing we have in this world after Allah (swt)is the sweetness of sisterhood, it’s a shame for any of us to throw salt on that too.
    This is one of the reasons I ‘hover’ around this blog, it’s not just homeschooling,but character building too:)

  3. After reading your artical sis I want to share some tips I and my daughter did few years ago when I joined the Quran course.
    I was kind of feeling bad when ever I did not want to do or hear but I did involve in
    listening or doing gossip ,my daughter always remind me mommy what we promised, she used some key words so quickly I understood even sitting among the friends, what wrong I am doing so I stopped.
    If we were at home talking and suddendly a topic came up with some gossip we stoped right at that moment ,it was hard but reminding each other what we promised ,my daughter help me a lot. Masha Allah it works !

  4. Assalamu Alaikum Sis,
    so sorry to hear about your hurt, but keep in mind the following hadith that i’m sure you’ve heard of:

    It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has wronged his brother with regard to his honour or anything else, let him seek his forgiveness today, before there will be no dinar and no dirham, and if he has any good deeds to his credit they will be taken from him in a manner commensurate with the wrong he did, and if he has no good deeds, then some of his counterpart’s bad deeds will be taken and added to his burden.”

    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2317.

    so inshaAllah Allah swt has increased you in reward.

    At the same time sis, please forgive your sisters in islaam, just as we would all want to be forgiven on the Day of Judgment. May Allah swt make it easy for you and soften all our hearts to those who have wronged us.Ameen

  5. Assalaamu alaikum sister,

    It is from perfecting our Tawheed Ruboobiyyah that we see Allaah azza wa jal behind all that happens. All of the actions are His. The people are just a means. they are similar to a veil. The more you know Allaah subhanahu wa ta’alaa this veil will be thinner and thinner. See beyond the means – beyond the veil. You will see Allaah subhanahu wa ta’alaa and it is He azza wa jal nurturing you – the special nurturing. Allahu Akbar. In order that you could be better.
    Remember Jennah is daarus salaam. you cannot enter it even with a single sin. He is Ar Rahmaan Ar Raheem and is showing you that you need to pick the righteous company who do not engage in this grave sin. Do not forget that every thing in this life is a test for us. the people are also a test for us. We want to get through the test.
    Alhamdulillahi rabb al aalameen.
    May Allaah azza wa jal make it easy for you to forgive those who wronged you and move on to higher levels in your Imaan, Birr and Taqwa. Aameen yaa rabb al aalameen.

  6. aslm,I have benefited so very much from your hurt and consequent lift that Ifeel Allah azza wa jal has used you for all of us to learn and improve our own Allah mke it easy for us all.aameen

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