I love reflecting, love contemplating – its like my way of providing quality control of my soul!
I don’t have enough time or space away from little ones to do it in a place that I love (in front of the sea with waves crashing, surrounded by stretches of greenery). But alhamdulillah for our minds that can imagine and wonder.
Been snatching times of contemplation when cleaning the dishes after iftar, when hoovering, a few minutes after Fajr salah when no one is around except R (but she’s normally zonked out after she prays).
Yesterday, I had my second ultrasound scan of the baby and it just reminded me how quickly our children grow. One minute they are growing inside us within layers of darkness. And then before you know it, they are reasoning with you, questioning you, even reminding you. SubhanAllah.
And then at home last night, after I put all of them to bed, I suddenly arrived at the realisation that above anything else, I’m preparing my children for two things:
1. For adulthood
2. To return to their Lord.
Yes, its nothing new and these thoughts have occured to me before. But for some reason, they are hitting me more now than ever. I have the task of preparing my daughter to become a wife and mother one day. I should be preparing my sons to become leaders of their households, and movers and shakers within the ummah insha’Allah.
And yes, they are only 8, 4.5, 2.5 and not even born yet respectively but everything that I do now will have an affect on how they turn out later on with the added bonus of Allah’s hidaayah. Ameen ya Rabb!
When I look at my own personality – warts and all, my own character – I can see direct links to my childhood and how the events, family structure etc shaped who I am today.
And then I feel scared – everything I do now with them will have some lasting effect.
I wonder what type of emaan I’m trying to mould in them. What type of morals and values I hope they will uphold later on in life. I wonder how I’m trying to encourage them to remain steadfast in their deen. I wonder how they perceive Allah. Am I instilling enough love, fear and hope of Allah in them. Am I spoiling them such that when they will become wives and husbands they’ll have problems.
But instead of beating myself up as I so often do. I feel like I need to act upon these reflections and really be very careful in the choices I make.
A few days ago, we attended an iftar invite as a family. We arrived home at past midnight and the kids were absolutely shattered. We carried them from the car to their beds and for a split second, I felt an agonising pain that I would need to wake R up for suhr and fajr within 2 hours. I imagined letting her sleep, thus missing suhr and fajr and then angrily questioning me as to why I didn’t wake her up (she would be distraught as she really wants to complete her goal of fasting the whole month this year). What would I say to her? That I was worried she couldn’t get enough sleep. What memory would be created for her – what thought? That rest is better than ibadah? That sleep is better than salah? Yes, she’s only 8. But they are what we feed into them.
And so, I did wake her up – and had to shake her to get up but I’m glad I did.
My dear beloved friend Hikmah, died aged 23. I sat with her mother on the first night of Ramadan and I could see the way in which her mother devoted herself to moulding their characters and their belief. She recounted memories of their childhood and we laughed and I had to hold back the tears. It is no wonder why Hikmah died in the way she did – insha’Allah with all her sins cleansed. It is no wonder why, even after her death, there are so many signs of a husn al khatimah (a good ending).
She’s in her grave now. Only 23 years spent in this dunya. Everything her parents did will have an affect on what is now happening to her in her grave. We have no guarantee that our children will die in their 60s/70s. We have no guarantee of seeing their wedding day. With this in mind, so much falls into perspective.
Are we simply preparing them to pass exams, for academic success or for the REAL success? I guess this post is in someway a repeat of previous posts but it is what I am thinking and what I feel. I often get the urge to just write – it helps me make sense of all those times of contemplation by the kitchen sink…